bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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