I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Randomize
