I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
