Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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