Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
