she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
