I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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