but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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