totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
