Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
