No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
