New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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