Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
