dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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