I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
How naked do you want me to be?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
