Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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