my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
