Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
