I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
