Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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