remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
