there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
