how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When are your genitals available?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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