it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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