she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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