i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
