I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
