I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
