He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
