Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
