i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I need to align my fucking chakras
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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