my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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