I just gift wrapped bread.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
