And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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