that's an acceptable place to lick
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
