i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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