Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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