My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
