Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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