the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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