I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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