My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
