His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize