OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
