i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
