I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
