Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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