Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
