why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize