I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize