I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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