Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
