I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my sisters under your porch take her home
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
