Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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