Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
