woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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