I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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